Zombie Sex Guide - Thriller Edition

May the King of Pop rest in peace and never suffer a zombie's fate. Just in case, though, we've prepared this special commemorative edition of our zombie sex guide.

No Cure for Crotch Rot

Watch it with those crotch grabs! You know as well as anyone how dead flesh tends to fall off, so handle your junk carefully. If it does tear away, just do what you did with the tip of your nose - glue it back on.

Playing with Your Food

Besides being tasty and containing the nutrients that zombies need, brains make an excellent lube for jacking off or intercourse. And they're great paired with Jesus Juice.

Being Dead Takes the Sting Out

If you get off on any kind of physical pain or punishment, you're out of luck - zombies have no pain receptors!

No More Safe Sex

No need to worry about STDs now, and zombies don't reproduce sexually, so no fear of unwanted pregnancy. Tell Billie Jean with confidence that unless it's evil zombie spawn, the kid is most definitely not your son.

Severed Hand Jobs

When giving a hand job, use your own hand, not one that you've ripped off one of your victims or found lying in the street - especially not if it belonged to someone underage.

Can I Have That Back?

If you get into a tight space, make sure you don't get stuck, and always, always use plenty of lube. But if you do end up losing an arm in a partner's orifice, that collection of single gloves will come in handy.

I Only Have Eyes for You

Once you get zombified, acts that once seemed extreme, violent, and stomach turning become acceptable and even appealing - like having sex with women. Or skull fucking. Cranial penetration is ideal if your partner is already missing an eyeball - otherwise you have to negotiate the removal of the eye with its owner.

I’d Like a Piece of That

The putrid, rotting flesh of the undead does not lend itself well to love bites, nibbles, or giving hickeys. Chances are you'll unintentionally bite off more than you can chew - like an ear or a shoulder. If you do snag an ear, feel free to take it to your plastic surgeon and use the cartilage to make a replacement nose.

Blow Jobs Suck

Remember that Barbara Walters interview where it looked like your face was melting and about to slide off your skull? Well, all your fellow zombies are in the same boat now. The repetitive sucking and mouth movement of blow jobs can permanently dislocate your partner's mandible. So if she finds your endowment "jaw-dropping", it may not be as much of a compliment as you think.

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