Zombie Sex Guide - Thriller
May the King of Pop rest in peace
and never suffer a zombie's fate. Just in case, though, we've prepared this
special commemorative edition of our
zombie sex guide.
No Cure for Crotch Rot
Watch it with those crotch grabs! You know as well as anyone how dead
flesh tends to fall off, so handle your junk carefully. If it does tear
away, just do what you did with the tip of your nose - glue it back on.
Playing with Your Food
Besides being tasty and containing the nutrients that zombies need,
brains make an excellent lube for jacking off or intercourse. And they're
great paired with Jesus Juice.
Being Dead Takes the Sting Out
If you get off on any kind of physical pain or punishment, you're out of
luck - zombies have no pain receptors!
No More Safe Sex
No need to worry about STDs now, and zombies don't reproduce sexually, so
no fear of unwanted pregnancy. Tell Billie Jean with confidence that unless
it's evil zombie spawn, the kid is most definitely not your son.
Severed Hand Jobs
When giving a hand job, use your own hand, not one that you've ripped off
one of your victims or found lying in the street - especially not if it
belonged to someone underage.
Can I Have That Back?
If you get into a tight space, make sure you don't get stuck, and always,
always use plenty of lube. But if you do end up losing an arm in a partner's
orifice, that collection of single gloves will come in handy.
I Only Have Eyes for You
Once you get zombified, acts that once seemed extreme, violent, and
stomach turning become acceptable and even appealing - like having sex with
women. Or skull fucking. Cranial penetration is ideal if your partner is
already missing an eyeball - otherwise you have to negotiate the removal of
the eye with its owner.
I’d Like a Piece of That
The putrid, rotting flesh of the undead does not lend itself well to love
bites, nibbles, or giving hickeys. Chances are you'll unintentionally bite
off more than you can chew - like an ear or a shoulder. If you do snag an
ear, feel free to take it to your plastic surgeon and use the cartilage to
make a replacement nose.
Blow Jobs Suck
Remember that Barbara Walters interview where it looked like your face
was melting and about to slide off your skull? Well, all your fellow zombies
are in the same boat now. The repetitive sucking and mouth movement of blow
jobs can permanently dislocate your partner's mandible. So if she finds your
endowment "jaw-dropping", it may not be as much of a compliment as you
Airplane Sex Guide
Copyright 2009 SexTutor.com.